With my daughter’s bubbly personality, I knew it was a matter of time when the boys in her peer group will eventually want to be as friendly as the girls in that group. Her exposure to being asked out by her first ever boyfriend in Grade 6 busted the door down. While it tickled her pink and brought her a new experience, she also knew herself well enough that that particular experience wasn’t supportive of who she was and so she pulled the plug.
Middle school saw many friends come and go and I know it’s a matter of time before there’ll be a boy who is smart enough, charming enough and good looking enough to awaken her interest for a more serious look at a boy/girl friendship. Although I never had an actual sit-down discussion with my daughter on how to screen boyfriends as that would seem contrived and awkward, we did talk about friendships and dating in general. I share with her the traits that interest me in an adult partner, including the highlights I found in her mom. So vicariously, I know she’s hearing and mirroring my thought process for friendships in general and specifically for more serious candidates of a partner.
Communications. Setting aside the initial physical attraction that got my attention (we are all attracted to physicality first and for anyone who says otherwise—are lying), I’m looking for other connections. Not only do they have to be able to hold a conversation with me, but they must also tell stories, share opinions and eventually thoughts and feelings with me. How else am I supposed to get to know another person? Vicariously, my daughter sees the importance of not just having conversations, but open and honest connections with as little judgement as possible.
It’s the sharing of worlds that makes it pleasurable and sustainable, not the eclipsing of them.
Demarcation. In other words, boundaries. We all have them—even children. But we don’t always respect them, especially children’s. But as two people get to know each other, there’s excitement to rush to know everything. And in haste, we sometimes trample over delicate picket fences put up by the individual for various reasons. It’s not enough to be kind and respectful—those are table stakes, but noticing these signs and observing the person’s red lights are simply imperative. Just like traffic signals, crossing against those signals can have negative, impactful consequences.
Expectations. As much as I am excited getting to know a new person, I am not looking for this person to fill my days. I had a full life before this person. For me, being a single dad, family, work, a tight circle of friends and maybe a hobby already fill much of my days. As it is, I struggle to find alone time. So, the new person coming into my life would mean I need to rebalance a few things. I still expect this person to continue to live their life. It’s the sharing of worlds that makes it pleasurable and sustainable, not the eclipsing of them.
My daughter and I have very open conversations and she knows that if someone new comes into my (our) lives, it cannot put what we already have in jeopardy. I can’t imagine myself abandoning my fatherly duties and cutting short our precious conversations for the next shiny object. And I think the older my daughter gets, the more introspection she develops from observing and modeling what she sees as enriching and uplifting.
She’ll be fine. I hope I will be, too when she finds an equal!
