Once upon a time, I wrote about the three emotions that preoccupied a six year-old child of divorce: blame, loyalty and closeness. At 13, my daughter has long past the point where she felt responsible for the split of her parents. She’s also become quite adept at handling both parents and very aware of each’s method and madness. Even though my daughter and I have stayed close, this closeness has morphed into something more multifaceted and mature. The handholding and cuddling have been replaced with hugs and affirmation of support. So, I’m done now, right? Ha!
The newly minted teenager has a host of new emotions to deal with. Blame has translated into frustration and anger. Loyalty is in a constant tug of war with self-independence and while closeness is still there, it’s less physical and more emotional and intellectual. This new onslaught of feelings is flooded and reflooded with the rotating door of new friends and cliques that form and reform.
Although we don’t have screaming matches, we do have periods where each of us need to pause from frustrated exchanges.
As a single dad, I admit that I struggle with the language of girl-speak in an age of electronic social etiquette. My daughter gets frustrated with me when I don’t get what she’s talking about or deem it to be too immaterial. She gets exasperated when I try to ring fence her new freedoms or comment disapprovingly at her outfit that bares shoulders and bellies. Although we don’t have screaming matches (never did), we do have periods where each of us need to pause from frustrated exchanges.
I often wonder whether I have done enough for her. And then I wonder whether I have done too much already. Some days, I question my very own ability to parent a teenager as I just try to make it through with my head down. Back when I had 50/50 custody, I had a weekly break and was able to recharge. Now, my ability to recharge has been diminished. I have to do more with less time. And it feels like I’m always running on a 50% battery, constantly fearing I’ll lose my connection!
But we always try to end the day and certainly the week on a positive note that moves the dial forward. I am renewed by two things. One, that my daughter and I have had ceaseless conversations throughout the years. I am very happy that I have become her ‘go-to’ for easy, tough, funny, judgy, educational, emotional and weird conversations. Some are hard discussions and it reveals our opposing opinions. But those are necessary steps before any common understanding can be achieved. The other thing that I find most rewarding being her dad is that we both grow together. All of this is new to her but she won’t be a teenager forever. Every age is different and my parenting also can’t stay the same forever, either.
