Dads are protective of their daughters. And dads generally don’t take kindly to young gents snooping about their daughter’s business. And so began an interesting conversation when my daughter asked me about dating. To which I barked, “Well, that isn’t going to happen as I will be home schooling you when you are done middle school.” Daddddd, I’ve had a boyfriend before. “What you had was a puppy love experiment.” Yeah, he wasn’t very boyfriend like. “You were both friends from the same childcare group; he wanted something more. But I’m not sure he knew what that something was.” Moving on. I’ve chosen my high school and I already know some friends going there next year. I should be proud of my daughter for this milestone, but the truth of the matter is that I think I have more anxieties about this than she.
I know that my daughter will go to high school in a few short months. I know my daughter will meet lots of friends there. I know that she’ll likely meet lots of boys, too and I know that some will fancy her. It’s rite of passage that I can no more forestall than I can prevent. She’ll have the time of her life. I’ll be terrified. And while I shudder to think what kind of knuckle dragging Neanderthal she’ll bring home, I know that her criteria for friends, much less a boyfriend, are going to be uber-discriminating.
I spoke to dads of my drinking group as their daughters are all going through the same stage. We all agree (with little drunken persuasion) that trust is the most fundamental ingredient. I’m not talking about trust between the dating parties; I mean trust between father and daughter.
She also knows from the relationship I have with her mother that relationships may not always be eternal.
Universally, daughters are either typically drawn to male figures very much their fathers or the complete opposite. If you are a smart, witty, engaging and loving man, your daughter will look for these qualities in boys. If you’re a drunken asshole who throws your weight around, she’ll have nothing to do with you and will seek the very opposite, sometimes overzealously.
Through my daughter’s experiment with her first boyfriend, I gave her a lot of latitude within the ring fence I created. I didn’t forbid her from hanging out or even going to the movies (which never happened). She got the opportunities to explore conversations with this boy alone and with others and eventually she realized that she preferred the company of her gaggle of girlfriends more than the awkward and sweaty handholding with this boy. She stayed in control.
She also knows from the relationship she has with me is that it is never static. It changes as a person age and matures over time. She also knows from the relationship I have with her mother that relationships may not always be eternal. Sometimes, people come together for a period of time for a particular reason or exchange and then depart. It’s different each time.
“You’re gonna have a great time in high school,” I said. “You may not know what you want, but you already know what you don’t want. That’s huge.” We hugged and as closely as we embraced, I also felt her slipping away as she grows up a little more.
