Fighting is an integral part of relationship building. It is neither good nor bad. When two people of strong opinions come together, it’s only inevitable that some of their strong opinions are challenged, thus creating friction. How the individuals handle the verbal sparring depends on depth of knowledge, receptivity to opposing opinions and of course, passion in that topic anchored in experience. But overall, fighting is actually good. Encourages individuals to adapt and learn. Until it doesn’t.

When my daughter and her boyfriend had a fight, it didn’t end well. They hung up on each other and each stormed to their respective dark places. Clearly, she was visibly shaken and upset. All I could do was sit with her. Initially in silence with a sympathetic ear, then I nodded as she shared pieces of her thoughts. I looked at her supportively but didn’t tell her it was okay. Clearly it wasn’t. I also didn’t tell her to get over it as being diminutive would be dismissive. I came right out and said, “Fights are expected. And the more strenuous the exchange, the more you each gave a damn actually!” She didn’t expect me to say that.

 

As strong as you are, you can still be wounded. That’s not a weakness; that’s humility.

 

“Would you rather I tell you that it’s okay and you’ll feel better in the morning?” No. “You’ll only feel better after you’ve cooled down and then reengage with him with a different perspective.” I thought you’d say that I’d get over it. “Well, you will. But you decide when that happens. It won’t happen spontaneously and certainly not because someone said so.”

He doesn’t understand me. “Then rather than being frustrated and chastising him for not understanding, explain to him your position and give me your insight.” He won’t listen. “In order for a person to listen, they first have to stop talking. That also applies to you.”

Does it get easier? “No, and you don’t want easy. Easy gets boring and you’ll dump him if it ever went there.” She laughed. She was licking her wounds but understood that her deep frustrations are proportional to the emotional connection to the other person. Ironically, this conflicted, precarious and vulnerable position gave her great comfort. I looked at her, tousled her hair and stood up. As I walked away, “As strong as you are, you can still be wounded. That’s not a weakness; that’s humility.” The world can use some more of that.