Tiger dads are admittedly demanding parents. With respect to Amy Chua, tiger moms can be tame in comparison. While tiger moms can be strict and controlling and likely to be authoritarian, dads are less so but see outcomes to be far more important than day-to-day supervision. My daughter often tells her friends about the latitude she is given at home and the freedom she enjoys. But that’s an expression of trust rather than a free-range parenting style. I’ve often said to my daughter that her ‘job’ is school and she must excel at it. And so too, for all the extracurricular she’s in. We are far beyond interest-only, show up at your leisure activities. Her swimming for example is not only expensive, but highly demanding. Attendance is tracked and swim strokes are filmed underwater for review. They have 3-kilometer swims for warmups! Tire-kicking kids have long ago dropped out or drowned at her level.
My daughter sees that I demand and perform at a high level even for myself and so asking same for her own endeavors isn’t out of the ordinary. Nor would it be double standard. So long as she gets her A’s and performs well at her chosen activities, she decides how best to spend her free time.
And so when she tells me that she’s stressed out from school and the demands of homework, tests, midterms, extracurricular activities and a part-time job constantly make her both physically and mentally tired, I take that literally.
It doesn’t matter what their preoccupations are to us; their stresses and their struggles are real to them.
Even for us adults, our workplace can be an overwhelming source of stress and anxiety especially when there are bosses and coworkers who make our lives unnecessarily difficult with friction, politics and general uncooperativeness. We have to step away, even if temporarily, to unplug. Teens need that too.
It doesn’t matter what their preoccupations are to us; their stresses and their struggles are real to them. Especially if they have been revving at high performance. They also have fewer coping mechanisms and experiences and so it is important to recognize when our kids are redlining. Some will feel overwhelmed, others guilty. But when kids burn out, they give up and can lose motivation for everything. That will be a whole different world of problems.
Some stress is good. But like anything, moderation is critical and it must be in manageable doses and monitored. Too much can be lethal to mental health; too little and a child sails through life without ever having eaten bitter. Ultimately, anything that happens to her means you’ll wind up owning it. Why double the burden? Even tigers need to rest.
