My daughter and her friend came over after school for a snack, a bit of homework and socializing. There were lots of giggles and gossip. “How was school today?” I asked. Fine. “That’s it? How’d the test go from last week? Did you get your grade back?” Yeah, I didn’t do that well, I got a 74%. “Really? I thought you studied and we talked about how important it was to keep the 80% average.” I went on and on and on. I talked about how she must do as well as her peers just to keep up. And she must exceed that if she wants to go to the schools of her choice. I talked about how important academics are for entry to colleges and university and that even kids with straight A’s are being rejected. I talked about her not relying on the policy of ‘one drop’ that the school permits to allow students to jettison their worse mark to boost their yearend averages. But mostly I did the blabbering.

My daughter’s mood went from giddy to not. The laughter stopped. The energy drained. And even her friend left after 10 minutes. I killed the atmosphere. And behind tears, she told me that it was very hurtful for me to lecture her like this in front of her friend. My mood shifted and the humanity came back into my face. I did the one thing that I said I wouldn’t do.

 

And behind tears, she told me that it was very hurtful for me to lecture her like this in front of her friend.

 

What I should have done was to pause and deferred the conversation. Letting her know that the discussion will take place not only gives her fair warning that the matter is serious and will need to be explored, but it gives her a chance to prepare for the discussion. It’s crucial for her to become a participant in this conversation rather than being dressed down as a subordinate.

What I should have done was to have the conversation in private. Anyone who has undergone an appraisal at work would know that regular performance reviews are structured and private. Lecturing my daughter in front of her friend was one of the worse things to do. It hurts the relationships (father/daughter and daughter/friend). It puts the friend in an awkward position and that’s probably why she had the discretion to leave (or was asked to by my daughter). At the end of the day, her performance at school and my coaching her is a situation between my daughter and me and no one else.

What I should have done was not to compare her to anyone else. We hate it when we are compared to others because it implies the other person is a yardstick for excellence. It immediately diminishes the person’s qualities and achievements. Many of my daughter’s friends are not adequate comparisons. They don’t do extracurricular activities; they have never had lifelong music lessons; or even have a second language. If anything, I should compare them to my daughter and not diminish her just because she got a B.

In a moment of disappointment, I reacted negatively and as a girl-dad, I should have known better. I got emotional because I cared too much. I can’t care less. So, I’ll do better.